{v.3} :: a mess

The Pessimist

Once upon a time, there lived a man who believed he would die. He was the only pessimist he knew. All his other friends were optimists, and great people at that. The man loved them and they loved him. However, sometimes they would be very annoying with their matter-of-factly behavior and fail to see the deep wonders of life.

The man had a secret, a secret he kept very close to his heart and never told anybody. The secret was that he was very lonely. Even in big groups of people he would feel the cold, hard lump in his heart.

No one truly understood him.

His friends didn't know this, of course, for the man had constructed an inner wall of emotions he hid behind, in fear of getting hurt. That was the man's greatest fear in the whole world, that someone would deliberately hurt him and bring down him and his walls for good.

He had good times too. He especially enjoyed being with his friends, reading good books and walking in the silent parks early in the morning,

Then, one day, something happened that turned the man's life upside down and changed it forever. It made him even more afraid. He fell in love. He had no idea if his love even knew who he was, but he didn't want to ruin her life and waste her precious time being with him.

So, the man spent more time inside, so he wouldn't have to talk to anybody. He stopped taking his morning walks; he didn't call his friends anymore. He was afraid of what they would say when they noticed the difference about him, which they were bound to do. After all, it was quite silly to not even want to speak to her or any other.

He got more and more lonely. Soon the only thing he left the house for, was his groceries. He would cry himself to sleep every night.

He realized he was suffering from depression. Going to a counselor or psychologist were good options, he knew, but he didn't want to. It was his secret and his life.

His friends believed he had gotten new interests and new friends, since he rarely spoke to them anymore. They had sensed a change in him the last time before he broke contact with them, but it was nothing big. He was a young man, and changes tend to happen to young men. They thought the change was for the better.

And, they thought, if he had some kind of problem, he would probably tell someone about them.

The man now understood something had to change. He confessed his love to the beautiful woman. She smiled, but instantly he could hear people shouting nasty comments about him and them.

He ran home and barricaded his door, vowing to never go out again. Eating made him feel sick, so his food lasted a really long time. Each time he surrendered to his hunger and dared to go to the store, he could hear the comments, again and again.

He decided a change of scenery might do him good.

His friends were sad to see him go, but they knew he wasn't happy, and that he would come back to them. After all, they were optimists.

The man gathered his things and moved to the new town. Everyone here was so different from all he knew, yet no one seemed to understand him here either. The man had hoped the difference would be good, but quite to the contrary, people were worse here. The man realized he missed his friends, but was afraid to show it. They had been very supportive of him when he asked them, but he always felt so alone.

In the new town, the man felt so lonely that the little lump in his heart threatened to take over his whole body. He had left his love behind. He had left his friends behind. He had left behind everything he had ever known, and he felt bad.

© Tone Rossow 2005 Back to the Prose section

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